I don’t know why I keep going back to it. Right after I do it, I promise to myself... never again. But then, as they say, the thing about promises is that they are meant to be broken (so clichéd isn’t it). But what if these promises have been made out to your own self? It’s easy lying to others, but what one should try to achieve, is to always be true to oneself.
wait a minute… what am I doing..? Why do I always start out to write something and then drift off to these vague philosophies of mine, thus ending up with something totally different from what I had set forth to write in the first place. Why can’t my mind just focus on the job at hand.. Actually, that’s one more problem that I need to address. There’s just so many of them. I can never seem to get ahead of them. Anyway, I should learn to rise above these trivialities.
I’m sounding too random now. Time to snap back... remember that thing I mentioned earlier. The one after which I promise myself that I’ll stay away…
I’ve realized that sadness or stress doesn’t make me give in to it. In fact, in such a state, I tend to be more of a fighter (or at least that’s what I’d like to believe) and put in that extra effort to see myself through the rough.
I guess I do it when I am bored. When I have nothing good to do and see everyone else around me buried in useful productive work, I flip (and that is one more thing about myself that I need to change). That is when I try to create this illusion of happiness and importance around me.
I’m sorry that this whole post has turned out to be so arbitrary that now even I can’t understand what I wanted to write (another thing that is wrong with me, and this is the biggest one – I don’t know what I want). So just to inject some semblance of sanity into all this gibberish, I’d just say that this “thing” I’ve been talking about… it could be anything. It can imply different meanings to different individuals. It’s anything you perceive to be negative in your life (yeah, more of my philosophical crap).
And as for me, my name is Kartik and I’ve been clean for a month now.
“what do you do when you feel stressed or sad?
I pretend I'm a little kid again and I'm sneaking through my childhood home. I try to remember how doors opened, how closets smelled, how floors squeaked.”
(from 'pearls before swine')
