Of stress, randomness and everything that’s wrong with me

I don’t know why I keep going back to it. Right after I do it, I promise to myself... never again. But then, as they say, the thing about promises is that they are meant to be broken (so clichéd isn’t it). But what if these promises have been made out to your own self? It’s easy lying to others, but what one should try to achieve, is to always be true to oneself.

wait a minute… what am I doing..? Why do I always start out to write something and then drift off to these vague philosophies of mine, thus ending up with something totally different from what I had set forth to write in the first place. Why can’t my mind just focus on the job at hand.. Actually, that’s one more problem that I need to address. There’s just so many of them. I can never seem to get ahead of them. Anyway, I should learn to rise above these trivialities.

I’m sounding too random now. Time to snap back... remember that thing I mentioned earlier. The one after which I promise myself that I’ll stay away…

I’ve realized that sadness or stress doesn’t make me give in to it. In fact, in such a state, I tend to be more of a fighter (or at least that’s what I’d like to believe) and put in that extra effort to see myself through the rough.

I guess I do it when I am bored. When I have nothing good to do and see everyone else around me buried in useful productive work, I flip (and that is one more thing about myself that I need to change). That is when I try to create this illusion of happiness and importance around me.

I’m sorry that this whole post has turned out to be so arbitrary that now even I can’t understand what I wanted to write (another thing that is wrong with me, and this is the biggest one – I don’t know what I want). So just to inject some semblance of sanity into all this gibberish, I’d just say that this “thing” I’ve been talking about… it could be anything. It can imply different meanings to different individuals. It’s anything you perceive to be negative in your life (yeah, more of my philosophical crap).

And as for me, my name is Kartik and I’ve been clean for a month now.

“what do you do when you feel stressed or sad?
 

I pretend I'm a little kid again and I'm sneaking through my childhood home. I try to remember how doors opened, how closets smelled, how floors squeaked.”
 

(from 'pearls before swine')

Clarifications

It seems that my first post was taken very seriously by some persons who felt uncomfortable reading what I have written. This calls for some clarifications to be made…

I am not suffering from any actual serious suicidal tendencies. (To even think that I would be driven to such extreme measures… but then these are people who really care about me)

The above point should have been clear by the fact that I explicitly mentioned in my earlier post that I tend to sensationalize stuff. So, in effect, the last post was just an overstated description of my state of mind, which I guess overshot a little too much.


I should also pronounce at the very outset that…

My first post, in a way, also sets the tone for my future posts. In effect, there would be more of such dark and obscure stuff written here. This is because when I’m happy, I don’t feel the need to write about it because well… I’m just happy and enjoying life. It is only when I am sad or restless, that I need to give vent to all the trapped negative energy inside of me. And this I would be doing by expressing myself here. But in no way does this mean that my posts would be gloomy and depressing, as everything I write should be seen in a humorous light. No need to get all serious about it.

I guess this much should suffice for now.


“Through humour, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
- Bill Cosby

“Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”
- Arundhati Roy

Suicidal

It all started with birju’s GTalk status message reading "wish I had a gun", which prompted me to give shape to the strikingly similar thoughts already wandering in my head. Immediately, I changed my status message to "I would borrow it from birju and shoot myself"

Suicidal thoughts were filling my head since the morning after I had given a particular exam. But I don’t think that the reason for this state of mind was just this exam alone. I was already on the edge and this was just the extra push needed... the last straw. Of late, sitting alone in my room, trying not so hard to concentrate on the job at hand (usually studying), I had found myself pondering over philosophical questions about life and if it was worth all the effort. I would thus drift away into the surreal only to suddenly realize that a lot of time had been wasted in this futile exercise, and I would then try to shake myself awake from that reverie.

And again today, I found myself falling down that same abyss of depression and self-loathing all over again.

I guess writing about it and talking and discussing about it helps, as it distracts from all that is wrong with just me. It helps me in staying away from all the seemingly ‘bad’ things which one would resort to when in a similar depressed state.

I know that I exaggerate and get all dramatic about it, but then it helps me behave normally again, and as a friend put it, “thus life becomes a bit interesting”. And that is exactly what I have tried to do here in this post.

I know that it is just a fleeting phase which, like everything else in this temporal existence called life, would pass. (see… I told you… I just over-dramatized it again. I love doing that)


I never expected that this, a piece titled ‘Suicidal’, would be my first blog-post. But as it turns out, life is so freaking unpredictable!