Suicidal

It all started with birju’s GTalk status message reading "wish I had a gun", which prompted me to give shape to the strikingly similar thoughts already wandering in my head. Immediately, I changed my status message to "I would borrow it from birju and shoot myself"

Suicidal thoughts were filling my head since the morning after I had given a particular exam. But I don’t think that the reason for this state of mind was just this exam alone. I was already on the edge and this was just the extra push needed... the last straw. Of late, sitting alone in my room, trying not so hard to concentrate on the job at hand (usually studying), I had found myself pondering over philosophical questions about life and if it was worth all the effort. I would thus drift away into the surreal only to suddenly realize that a lot of time had been wasted in this futile exercise, and I would then try to shake myself awake from that reverie.

And again today, I found myself falling down that same abyss of depression and self-loathing all over again.

I guess writing about it and talking and discussing about it helps, as it distracts from all that is wrong with just me. It helps me in staying away from all the seemingly ‘bad’ things which one would resort to when in a similar depressed state.

I know that I exaggerate and get all dramatic about it, but then it helps me behave normally again, and as a friend put it, “thus life becomes a bit interesting”. And that is exactly what I have tried to do here in this post.

I know that it is just a fleeting phase which, like everything else in this temporal existence called life, would pass. (see… I told you… I just over-dramatized it again. I love doing that)


I never expected that this, a piece titled ‘Suicidal’, would be my first blog-post. But as it turns out, life is so freaking unpredictable!